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As a child, regardless of the condition of our life, it just seems usual, ordinary. We have nothing to compare it with. It is often only as adults that we can have some perspective. Then we see our life narrative in relationship to what society considers normal and healthy, or dysfunctional and abnormal. For me, growing up in an “abusive alcoholic family” was just what my life was. I had no terminology in which to think about, label, or describe it, and thus didn’t have a judgment about it one way or another. It wasn’t good or bad, it just was life. Though I didn’t like my parents fighting or my dad’s fits of anger, I also didn’t have any conceptual tools in which to think about it. Our parents are instruments of our karma to teach us many things. (I hope you will think about this in your own life.)

Fortunately, it would seem that at a subconscious level (we could say Supersoul’s guidance) I did understand the possible negative effects of living in a tumultuous family environment. Thus, I was guided to use my particular karmic nature to defend myself. My strategy was to withdraw, or detach myself from potentially painful situations. Even though I have spent years learning to be more present, or “in my body,” I still can seem aloof occasionally. It has utility, but isn’t a good way to live in all times and places. Regardless, the aloofness I had in youth protected and helped me from possible emotional harm. Not being present, or having my heart withdrawn, seemed normal and real.

The point in bringing this up is that it is helpful for our peace of mind and happy relationships to deal with our past by understanding how certain conditioning impedes our harmonious interactions. Such endeavor can help us live in a way that is the most favorable for our spiritual life and being a balanced human being. Admittedly, negative habits or perspectives are difficult to overcome especially when they are intertwined with our spiritual foundation. However, by becoming aware through introspection and prayer we can gradually change, over a long time. I have found such work very useful on my journey to Krishna.

It wasn’t until my late teen years after high school that I was able to really examine my life. Out of body, and near-death experiences radically changed how I saw life, and what I thought was real.

July 2012