I have experienced a few periods of my life that were pivotal to self-awareness, renewal, and divine life. Looking back these were times of special blessings and guidance where I came to think differently and thus change the course of my life. I briefly mentioned in Part 1 of this series about the effect of out of body and near-death experiences on my outlook. As a result, beyond what might have been expected from my history growing up, a spiritual necessity awakened with openness to explore different possibilities. This was a new energy which led me to begin my spiritual search culminating in the path of bhakti.
It was a natural endeavor, practically effortless, reminding me now of a verse in the 6th Chapter of Bhagavad Gita, about the future life of an unsuccessful transcendentalist: “By virtue of the divine consciousness of his previous life, he automatically becomes attracted to the yogic principles -- even without seeking them. Such an inquisitive transcendentalist stands always above the ritualistic principles of the scriptures.” [Bg 6.44] And very soon I became self-realized—well, not quite! We learn from Shrila Bhaktivinoda Thakur about the zig-zag process of spiritual advancement, which isn’t a straight line, but is like going up and down the foothills before scaling the largest peak, the final goal.
In my capacity as office manager at the beautiful Krishna.com, I have such a variety of duties. From making sure the offices are kept clean, to making schedules for the customer service ladies, to stocking supplies, checking that the esegments of Prabhupada’s books go out on schedule, and any number of other responsibilities, I have no shortage of interesting and useful things to do. One is to assist our accountant in keeping the books. So today he bounced one set of numbers back to me, reminding me that I’d forgotten to subtract a particular credit from a store customer’s purchase amount.
Dallas Morning News,
As a child, regardless of the condition of our life, it just seems usual, ordinary. We have nothing to compare it with. It is often only as adults that we can have some perspective. Then we see our life narrative in relationship to what society considers normal and healthy, or dysfunctional and abnormal. For me, growing up in an “abusive alcoholic family” was just what my life was. I had no terminology in which to think about, label, or describe it, and thus didn’t have a judgment about it one way or another. It wasn’t good or bad, it just was life. Though I didn’t like my parents fighting or my dad’s fits of anger, I also didn’t have any conceptual tools in which to think about it. Our parents are instruments of our karma to teach us many things. (I hope you will think about this in your own life.)
Fortunately, it would seem that at a subconscious level (we could say Supersoul’s guidance) I did understand the possible negative effects of living in a tumultuous family environment. Thus, I was guided to use my particular karmic nature to defend myself. My strategy was to withdraw, or detach myself from potentially painful situations. Even though I have spent years learning to be more present, or “in my body,” I still can seem aloof occasionally. It has utility, but isn’t a good way to live in all times and places. Regardless, the aloofness I had in youth protected and helped me from possible emotional harm. Not being present, or having my heart withdrawn, seemed normal and real.
The point in bringing this up is that it is helpful for our peace of mind and happy relationships to deal with our past by understanding how certain conditioning impedes our harmonious interactions. Such endeavor can help us live in a way that is the most favorable for our spiritual life and being a balanced human being. Admittedly, negative habits or perspectives are difficult to overcome especially when they are intertwined with our spiritual foundation. However, by becoming aware through introspection and prayer we can gradually change, over a long time. I have found such work very useful on my journey to Krishna.
It wasn’t until my late teen years after high school that I was able to really examine my life. Out of body, and near-death experiences radically changed how I saw life, and what I thought was real.