Karnamrita's blog

ANGER

Dhurva fights Yakshas photo Dhruva fights the yakshas_zpslwn2tgub.jpg
Although anger sometimes has a positive use in motivating us to act or to fight for a righteous cause (like Arjuna and Hanuman) and give protection to the oppressed, anger is an energy that is usually criticized since it frequently has negative consequences. We are urged in Bhagavad Gita to control our anger, lest it get out of control and cause us to act in ways we may later regret. In the Bhagavatam there is the account of Dhruva Maharaja's anger. After he became king when his brother was killed by a yaksha, although he had heard from Lord Vishnu that his death was inevitable, Dhruva still became angry and killed many yaksha warriors unnecessarily, until he heard spiritual philosophy from Manu.

Because Dhruva was a great soul, he could also give up his anger in the face of reason and Vedic wisdom. We saw in Shrila Prabhupada that he would sometimes become angry to instruct someone to change, but that anger never stayed for long, and the incident that caused his anger would generally not be mentioned again. We find that many people are not able to do this and may get some secondary gain from remaining angry.

For example, in psychology the appearance of frequent anger in a person can alert us to look deeper to find the underlying causes or emotional wounds we would rather not look at or want to feel, like feeling worthless or ashamed of our past. In such an unfortunate mentality anger seems more desirable and motivating that our low self-concept.

My experience with anger is that my father was often angry and this was exacerbated by the intoxication of alcohol which also became his frequent state of mind. He had unexamined deep emotional wounds from his upbringing and his anger and intoxication felt better

TO LOVE AND BE LOVED

 photo Jayananda charming the cop_zpshbl7txfb.jpgTO LOVE AND BE LOVED: There are primarily two underlying forces in the universe indiscernible by ordinary sensual or modern scientific observation, namely the forces of karma (selfish exploitation of matter), and the force of bhakti (selfless loving service to God). That which is greater than us can’t be understood by force, but only by loving service. When you love someone or the Source of everything, they will be open to reveal all their secrets. There are many, many ways people have spoken about these two forces—or levels of understanding and their implications—according to their belief systems and goal of their lives.

One way of speaking about karma and bhakti is what the personified Vedas state in the 10th Canto of Shrimad Bhagavatam that there are two purposes of the material world: facilities for the living entity to enjoy their senses and mind in unlimited varieties, facilitated by new opportunities thru re-births and deaths to try again, and the higher facility for liberation through realizing one’s spiritual nature and the source of real happiness within. Ultimately, in its highest reach, my understanding is that this culminates in bhakti or loving devotion to various forms of God, for Gaudiya Vaishnavas, Radha and Krishna, or Shri Chaitanya and Nitai, etc. We are sparks of divinity meant to live in relationship to it and under its shelter.

In the lower stages of bhakti we are continually confronted, at times assaulted or harassed it can seem, with the choice to follow the ways of the world through material enjoyment or to engage in acts favorable for spiritual advancement in bhakti. We can call these two endeavors, the path of darkness and bondage, or the path of light and liberation.

IMPOSSIBLE DREAM?

Gaura Nitai Sankirtan photo Pancat tattva ecstatic_zps7zixoer0.jpgIMPOSSIBLE DREAM? Some people think that the existence of the soul and God, what to speak of a relationship between them, is delusional and unproductive. Others may doubt that one can have a spiritual practice to understand them, or that the Ultimate Unlimited Absolute is personal in its highest aspect, what to speak of being Krishna. Or those on the path of bhakti for many decades may doubt that they can make much advancement in this lifetime, but hope against hope for a miracle at the time of death. We find in the world so many opinions, some well-reasoned, others full of emotionalism, negative, positive, regretful, or so many combinations that may dissuade one from spiritual practice or the determination to give one’s whole being, heart and soul.

Sometimes well-meaning friends, family, or those brothers and sisters on our bhakti path who are disillusioned with fallen leaders or their guru, can be our worst advisors or critics. Some people never heal from their painful past traumas, betrayal, or disappointments, and remain looking backward, and not to true empowering possibilities. As the saying goes, misery enjoys company. How much such opinions affect us depends on our mind’s orientation to react or respond based on how much spiritual experience or faith in our path we have, or haven’t.

As I have shared before, despite appearances to some, I am one of those devotees who has lived as a casual, or “religious” devotee (which means just doing the basics and not really fully applying oneself to the process both internally and externally), for most of my decades of practice, and in fact I have this as my general default setting—which I would wager is true for many older devotees. I share this as a warning for younger devotees and a possible wake-up call for those devotees in old or pre-old age.

Who Am I, or You?

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Feeling unusually sober and contemplative, I wrote a rough poem today about how I feel after reading two devotee memoirs, as I think about compiling my own. While I will share it after this introduction, I have so much more to say, to properly convey, all I am feeling today. I continue to contemplate death as as a motivating meditation to live today, and to endeavor to have no possessive attachment weights, that if not addressed, will propel me to work out issues with others in future lives; too many times I have examined my life up to this point and all that I use to define myself, which seem like sand castles, the blowing wind, morphing clouds, crashing ocean waves.

We generally identify as ourselves as our thoughts, feelings, and what we contemplate such as our desires—desires for things, relationships, or experiences, and also our bodily identity of race, ethnicity or the color of our skin, gender or sexual orientation, our family of origin and the one we have created, and memories of past experiences and their principle players or actors. I find it fascinating, though disconcerting to understand how fleeting and temporary these self-concepts are, being only a disguise or transitory covering for our soul, or our real self, consciousness, the observer and animator of matter.

RECOMMITTING IN RELATIONSHIPS AND IN BHAKTI

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The nature of the material world is change and transformation or as the Gita teaches us, the world is “endlessly mutable.” Accordingly, in physically conditioned life, which covers our soul, our body and mental states change, other people change, our life situation and the greater conditions of the material world change and go through cycles and stages. As a result of such changes we have to recommit and sometimes renegotiate our relationships to others, ourselves, and to bhakti, many times in our lifetime.

If we don’t voluntarily change or fight against conditions we have no control over, we will likely be forced to change because nothing stays the same, however much we drag our feet and resist. While this is a natural process, materially speaking, having to change can be disconcerting especially when we are set in our ways or have identified material conditions as who we are, and the underlying and foundational fact that the soul (who we are), or our animating consciousness, being eternal, wants permanence and doesn’t relate well to changing conditions which seem foreign.

While those who are Gaudiya Vaishnavas, or in fact anyone engaged in some kind of spiritual practice to realize their soul, even if they are grounded in deep spiritual philosophy of the nature of matter and spirit, will also struggle with the changing conditions within and without to the degree

THE ZIGZAG PATH OF BHAKTI

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THE ZIGZAG PATH, OR THE UPS AND DOWNS, OF BHAKT: When I was a new devotees it seemed like our spiritual advancement was like a rocket going straight and fast to our spiritual destination, and surely in a few years we would board that spiritual flower airplane piloted by the best of devotees, and go “back home, back to Godhead.” However, after some years my shiny, fast, roller blades become covered in thick, heavy mud and what had at first seemed like a full throttle race to the finish line turned into a slippery crawl, where sometimes I seemed to be going nowhere, or even sliding helplessly backwards down the rocky, dusty hill with no footing or holds.

Reading that Shrila Bhaktivinoda Thakur has sometimes referred to spiritual advancement in bhakti as the “zigzag path,” has normalized my ups and downs in spiritual life, helping me to understand my difficulties, or starts, stops, and reverses not as a personal anomaly but as natural for every seeker. When we are on the ground, we have to rise up with the help of the ground, so this is my attempt to stand and go forward aided with the staff of mercy, prayer, and knowledge.

Shrila Prabhupada's Appearance and Disappearnace Day Reflections: Vyasa-puja offering 2011

Prabhupad and the Holy Name
[Reposted from 8-22-2011] Respectful obeisances to Prabhupada, and all his disciples, and granddisciples—who are the future of the Krishna consciousness movement.

(I have adopted many of the words I shared on his disappearance day last year for this occasion, as they are sill of pressing importance to me, and repetition is the mother of learning.) On the appearance day of one’s guru it is customary to present an offering of glorification to one’s guru, and the process given by him or her. It may be directly expressed to the guru, and/or also addressed to the general audience. After the disappearance of one’s guru—or any founder of a religion or sect—many different conceptions of the guru and their teachings arise. This is an inevitable and unavoidable occurrence, and while one may favor their personal understanding, one can also do their best to understand the feelings and realizations of others, in the mood of diversity within the oneness of service to Prabhupada and Lord Chaitanya.

The fact that there are many different ideas as to the essential teachings of our guru can make it difficult to express one’s heart—at least it is for me. Never the less, I will try to express something to honor Prabhupada along with my personal reflections about my relationship to him, and some realizations I have gleaned from my personal experience. I pray for the generosity, magnanimity, and blessings of my audience.

CONTINUALLY RECOMMITTING TO THE SPIRITUAL PATH AND ITS GOAL

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I can't believe it has been a month since I posted. Time flies when you are busy. So much as happened in my life, and so many different emotional states, in those 4 weeks and a day! After I finished my 31 day bodily cleanse of my various organs I felt disassociated from life and had to regroup and recommit to my life mission--which is the subject of this short blog poem--and my wife and I helped facilitate the Grihastha Vision Team 4th Annual Couple's Retreat in Gita-nagari PA. I wrote and thought a great deal about my life, and the value of keeping death in mind. I realize I've already written a lot about it, but as I share in this poem, my tendency is to forget the urgency of my spiritual life, in my case, when my health seems to be getting better.
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I must continually remember that I will die
perhaps today or tomorrow, but soon
because if I forget this truth
I return to complacency and the easy life—
this has happened to me, yet again...alas!!

I must recommit to spiritual life, continually.
Otherwise I may die distraught and resentful
which I have been shown by cancer’s mercy.

THE MIRACLE OF FORGIVENESS and THE MIRACLE OF A SMILE AND HAPPINESS

Lovely and Stuning Radha Gopinatha photo DSCN5159_zpshdxezxav.jpg
THE MIRACLE OF FORGIVENESS: Much has been written in spiritually themed literature, Vedic scriptures and Prabhupada's translations, and personal growth/self-help books about forgiveness. As a young person and devotee I had no idea how important forgiveness could be. It was only after years of introspection and prayer that I personally understood how important it was for me to forgive important persons in my life and myself.

The topic came up in my reading of the last few days, and I wanted to share some of my thoughts about it. I have done much work with forgiveness—with my parents, for how I was raised, and for myself, for my many personal failings and what I should or should not have done. I looked at all my significant relationships in as much honesty as possible, and also considered that I may have some anger toward Krishna, and my guru, Shrila Prabhupada.

I did find some anger toward Prabhupada and I had a long talk with him to uncover it, and let it go. I have written somewhere about my, in contemporary terms, gestalt type conversation with him. Whatever it may be called, to me it was a very real talk before the Prabhupada murti in Berkeley almost 30 years ago. Before him, I shared and examined my anger and doubts, and I received a simple though compellingly powerful answer to my angst with his physical disappearance.

My reflections on Prabhupada's appearance day (Vyasa-puja)

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MY PRESSING QUESTIONS IN LIFE: Examining my heart, how are my material attachments still impeding my full practice of bhakti, or causing me to remain a mixed devotee? What do I want in my heart of hearts, and how is that causing me to act, or not act? In deep honesty, what truly moves and inspires me? As a result, what do I actually want to be absorbed in, demonstrated by my consistent thoughts and actions? What types of people I do think about or are attracted to in my daily life? Who do I want to become now, and forever? Knowing I will die, today or tomorrow, what must I give up, and what must I adopt to make my life a true success?

Having an ordinary materialistic upbringing until I was 19 years old I was still blessed with spiritual practices for many years. However, I have recently noted that I developed a cavalier attitude that I was “saved” and in the back to Godhead program. Being forced to face death has brought to light honest introspection of what is my true shelter. I have found that the old conditioned voices run deep below the surface of my consciousness. At present, those voices are much more prominent than I have dared admit, like an old disease waiting to manifest when the conditions are right—like herpes, or hepatitis.

I have found that I have been too willing to accommodate, or compromise with my materialistic tendencies rather than truly root them out. Now, praying to move beyond my complacency and comfort, I realize I can’t keep feeding the causes of my embodiment. Seeing my conditioned nature, I must keep casting those tendencies away which are unhelpful for my real life of spiritual progress, seeing them as ugly degrading darkness, and not to be simply tolerated. In my understanding this is what we devotees have signed up for, right—not the life of ease? I don’t want to only remember my spiritual connection when convenient, or to either get out of a jam, or obtain some desirable object.

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