The Things That Bring You Back
I was sitting here at work amazed at circumstances that happen that either bring someone back to God or push them further away. To give a basic run down, I went to Dallas last year and had a wonderful time at the temple. It surely was Heaven on earth for me and I thoroughly enjoyed staying with my friends there. When I met up with my husband and had him come to the temple with me before we headed home to Tulsa, I saw a glimmer of hope for our journey back to Krishna. As time went on however, it seemed harder to stay together and follow KC. Ultimately, I guess I chose my marriage over Krishna. I frantically tried to find some sort of spirituality that both me and my husband could practice together. I decided to go back to the Catholic church and I brought him with me and he converted at Easter. We got so involved between choir and me teaching a Sunday school class and helping at mass almost every week. I felt like we were finally home, but I was wrong I guess. Fast forward to this past week. My husband and I went to the casino here in Tulsa and won over 1600 dollars. We could have been happy with that and since the Catholic church doesn't condemn gambling, we went the next day and lost at least 700 dollars. We swore we wouldn't go back and we would use what we had left to get things taken care of. Well, my husband and I got into a little argument on Saturday night and I blew it way out of proportion and took off with the rest of our money and blew it all by 5am Sunday morning. Realizing that we had absolutely nothing left, not chance of making money and no food in the house, I broke down completely. I screamed asking God and the Catholic saints "why?" I just sat in my car screaming toward the heavens not understanding why I felt my prayers weren't answered and why I didn't get help when the Church doesn't go against gambling. I came home completely beaten, hit rock bottom. I tore apart my closet looking for any money I may have stashed away, but to no avail. What I did find, however shocked me. There hidden out of view, in a giant bag was my entire collection of saris, my japa beads, my Gaura Nitai dieties, and a little wooden flute from India that my husband found on the school bus that he drives. I started to cry and felt my heart breaking. I held my deities to my chest and just sat crying. I realized everything that I had lost just to try to appease my husband; my friends and connections with other devotees, my connection to Krishna, and my health ultimately (I gained an absolute ton of weight from turning back to drinking, cigarettes and meat) I am not even sure where to go from here much less how to get back on track with my life. To all of my friends who I cut off, I am incredibly sorry that it has taken me so long to realize how wonderful you all are. Please forgive me for my ignorance.